


Found and Lost

by Sarcastic_Cupcake



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Depression, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Internal Conflict, Sarcasm, Unhappy Ending, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 16:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8216033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarcastic_Cupcake/pseuds/Sarcastic_Cupcake
Summary: Isn't it funny how a distance of a thousand miles can seem like no space at all, but sitting and talking with a person can feel like screaming across an infinite chasm?Or, how social anxiety and alternate communication methods can ruin a friendship.





	

Spending so much of her time with this adopted family has taught her how to hide her true feelings; they gave her back her life, but she wonders sometimes whether it's possible that they care too much. However, tonight, her inner thoughts are full of turmoil, a sharp contrast to the smile she displays to the outer world.

 _I am_ _a mistake. I don't even get how I have friends; I'm needy and socially awkward and wrong and just generally a horrible person._ She shakes her head once, sharply, as though to clear the thought from her mind. It doesn't work, and although nobody is staring at her, she feels exposed, like her internal musings have been displayed for all the world to see.

 _Why hasn't he replied? It's been almost a week! I thought he cared. Does he not care?_ _**No, he cares. You need to** _ _**stop** _ _**overthinking your pathetic social life** _ _**.** _ _But if he cares, why hasn't he talked to me? Like, really talked to me?_ _**I don't know. Does it matter? H**_ _ **e** _ _**probably hasn'**_ _ **t replied because he hasn't seen that you sent stuff. For all you know, he forgot his password! Or turned off notifications, or something.** _ _He would talk to me without that though, wouldn't he? I thought the whole point was to rely more on actual face-to-face communication as opposed to_ _virtual conversations!_ _**You've talked to him recently, haven't you?** _ _**Did he seem like he thought you were a horrible person?** _ _No, not really. But that doesn't mean anything! I could have freaked him out and made him realize that I'm too screwed up for him to contemplate confiding in._ _**That's silly.** _ _**Just because you have super-low self-esteem doesn't mean that he wants nothing to do with you; you're still friends, aren't you?** _ _I_ _guess. Maybe. I hope…_

* * *

“Are you okay?” he asks. I flash back to another time, another place, when he turned his back on me after the same question.

_Will I ever be “okay”? How even do I answer? The answer is obviously no, but if I say yes, he'll think that I don't want to talk about it and take the coward's exit and go away and I'll be alone, not okay, with nobody to talk to. And maybe, just maybe, he might actually listen this time and— **He won't. Do you think he wants to talk about** **it** **this late** **? He's just asking so that he'll feel like he did something! Can you not just say yes and cry yourself to sleep again? He cares, yes, but not enough to** **have this kind of** **conversation** **right now. If you want, just talk to him tomorrow.** **But right now, you need to s** **ay something, anything—he's waiting! You've been quiet for way too long!**_

“I'll be fine.”

 _**No, you won't.** _ _Um_ _, that's true,_ _b_ _ut at least this way I know how much he actually wants me to be okay._

“But…are you okay?” he repeats.

_No, I'm not fucking okay! Do you have eyes? Can you see the tears welling up in mine? Or do you just not want to see them? At least ask me what's wrong! Not that I would tell you; I learned my lesson from last time. Thanks for that, by the way. **Lie about what's wrong, then. Or be vague. You're good at that.** **But stop taking forever about it!**_

“How do I answer that?”

_**Stalling for time. Nice tactic.** _

“Yes or no…?”

_Fine, then. We'll see how this goes._

“No, I'm not.” My voice is at least an octave lower than it normally would be. _Does he hear how hard I'm trying not to cry?_ _ **Of course not. He feels uncomfortable; he doesn't want to be here. Why would he want to react to anything that would force him to stay any longer?**_

“Why not?”

_So many things. Ones I can think of off the top of my head are:_

_Gender dysphoria_

_The fact that I don't understand you at all and I thought I did_

_The fact that you're ignoring me on Hangouts_

_My lack of time management skills_

_My grades_

_Social anxiety_

_Just people in general_

_but none of those are things that you would be willing to/could change and you're not going to help me with anything so I give up._

“People are pissing me off, and a lot of other things too, but most of it is irrelevant to you right now so you probably wouldn't care.”

_**You need to shut your fucking mouth. You're blabbering again and if you don't shut up soon, you're just going to dig yourself deeper into this hole and when you wonder what you did to drive him away from you, this will be the reason. Just because you're passive-aggressive and feel like releasing some of your anger doesn't give you the right to tell him your true feelings. I'm pretty sure we've established that he doesn't care enough to try and look past your surface, so unless you feel like losing him as a friend too, zip it.** But what if he does actually listen this time? What if he sees past the wall that I've built around myself and actually tries to make things better? What if—_

“Well, okeydokey then.” And just like that, he's gone. I sit in stunned silence for what feels like an eternity.

* * *

 

_**Great. Now, in addition to being insulted, you've probably taught him that it's not worth it to try and talk with you ever. And you've ruined whatever you thought might have been between you.** Shut up; I don't need your sass right now. I know I screwed up. I know that I'm a terrible person and right now I want to apologize and go home and cry, can you just let me wallow in my own guilt until I fall asleep miserably? **I will, but just remember this moment the next time you think that you found someone you could trust.**_


End file.
